Friday, January 13, 2017

Into the Grey

If you look up 'Type A' in the dictionary, instead of reading as "a personality type characterized by ambition, high energy, and competitiveness, and thought to be susceptible to stress and heart disease", it should probably just read "Claire McKee."

I like things organized because this makes me feel in control of my life and less stressed. I appreciate confrontation because it results in resolution. I don't like what I can't understand or when I can't figure out something. Lukewarm is frustrating to me. I like things right or wrong, yes or no, black or white. 

What I don't like is grey. 

White is good. Actually, white is better than good--it's great. White is when life hands you lemons and sugar water and cute little cups with colored umbrellas, and then you make a batch of lemonade and drink it with friends. White is when you worked really hard all semester and you got all A's. White is when you are not in a single predicament with anyone close to you at this particular moment. White is healthy family and friends. It's the job that you always wanted and you got. It's when you love the person you always dreamed of and he or she loves you back. White is sure and it is good. White is what everyone wants. 

Black is bad, but at least it's black. Black is the end of something great. It's a death in the family. It's your lowest point. Black is when you worked hard all semester and your poor grades don't prove it. It's that job you always dreamed of that goes to someone else. Black is when the person you love doesn't love you back. Black is no more cookies in the cookie jar. Black is certain and it's bad. Black is what no one wants. 

Grey is neither black nor white; it's the in-between. Unlike black and white, it is unsure. Grey can so quickly go black or white, and that's why it's scary. Grey is the waiting.

Grey is sickness. Grey is that friend who won't call you back. It's the anticipating your grades at the end of the semester. Grey is losing a possession that meant the world to you. It's the not knowing what comes next. 

Most people believe that black is where Satan works his magic, but I beg to differ, because unlike definite black, grey holds all of your "What ifs?", your worst case scenarios, and your biggest fears. It's where you start to give your emotions to lies about what the future holds. I've always hated the grey. It makes me nervous and anxious to not know what comes next. When I'm in the grey, I feel as though I'm in the middle of a foggy ocean. Even though God has provided millions of stepping stones in the past for me to keep moving, I suddenly stand still, unsure that He has placed another steady one ahead. Satan speaks, "But are you sure? I don't see one. What if He didn't?" So I stand still, refusing to even reach out my foot, and I let fear eat me alive. 

However, this past year I've learned something shocking about the grey. God has shown me that while Satan uses the grey for a playground, God uses it as a magnifying glass. The grey is where God sees my heart and my faith the most clearly. It's where I have no one but Him to rely on, and I can either trust Him and keep on moving, or I can doubt and fear and stand still. 

Black. White. Grey. They are all inevitable. You and I will make our way through each one, time and time again, during our human lives. As we all enter a new year, a new 365 days of black, white, and grey, I encourage you to remember who already has all of your "What ifs?" handled. God was behind you, He goes with you now, and He is ahead of you. He is always there, waiting for you to call His name. Patiently He waits for your summoning, to remind you that after the millions of stepping stones He has already provided, why would He stop now?