Thursday, November 17, 2016

It's Been Three Years Since I Handed God the Pen

Where did you take your first steps?


Was it in your living room? Or maybe your backyard? I definitely don't remember mine, but luckily, I have many pictures and my parents’ confessions to prove that I did indeed take my first steps in Jordan Hare Stadium, home of the beloved Auburn Tiger football team. You may be thinking, "How ridiculous," to which I would like to say, "Agreed....... I didn't have much say in the matter considering I was around the age of two." But after I was born, my parents toted me down, game after game, and when I was three, my sister, Abbie Caroline was born. And then, just like before, but now together, we were carried down to games, pictures with Aubie, and to days full of Toomer's Famous Lemonade in our sippy cups.


As Abbie matured, my parents realized that Abbie had some traits that were different. When I was twelve and Abbie was nine, Abbie was diagnosed with Asperger's, a form of autism. If you don't know, autistic brains have an miraculous ability to memorize large amounts of information. Most autistic kids latch on to one subject or one event in history that they are interested in and learn all they can about it. Abbie's first subject for which she cultivated a love was the Royal English family tree. So instead of hearing bedtime stories of fairies and Goldilocks, we heard bedtime stories of Bloody Mary's brutal Catholic Revolution and Elizabeth I's navy captain who was actually a pirate whom she pulled out of prison.


As she grew, Abbie amazed us. Once she had learned about all there is to know about the Royal English family tree, she next became enthralled with Auburn football. She memorized excessive amounts of stats, players, coaches, and seasons. And we watched in amazement as Gene Chizik fell in love with her, and alumni players and coaches asked her difficult questions to which she knew all of the answers. You could literally give her a random number of a football player and she could tell you his name, hometown, position, stats, and GPA. And like we never thought possible, our family fell even more in love with Auburn.


When my senior year rolled around, it was to no one's surprise that I enrolled at Auburn, was accepted, turned in my rush packet, found amazing roommates, and was on my way. One fall evening of senior year, my dad called me into his office and suggested that I go to Auburn and stay with a friend, see a game, and attend all the events that a student there would go to, just to make sure that it was the right fit. I found this extremely amusing. "What would I not like about Auburn?" I remember thinking to myself. But what high schooler is going to pass up a weekend at an SEC football school? So I packed my bags and headed down. I remember so clearly, during the long drive, saying a half-hearted prayer in my head because it hit me that, while everything about my college future was falling perfectly into place, (which I figured was God's okay on everything), I had never asked the Lord for His preference, nor for His guidance. It was a simple, straight-forward prayer, but I thought absolutely nothing would come from it.


     "God, if this is not where You want me, show me."


As I turned off that familiar highway onto an even more familiar road to Auburn, I felt a pit form in my stomach. Maybe I was just really hungry, or maybe I was getting sick. It didn't even cross my mind that this pit I felt might be an answer to prayer. All weekend I tried to get rid of it. I laughed, I ate, I felt fine other than that horrible feeling in my gut. And then, in the midst of football, tailgates, dorms, and concerts --I heard Him. Not like an audible voice but just a thought in my head out of nowhere. Has that ever happened to you? You weren't even on a train of thought when an idea or thought just pops up in your head? Then it keeps rushing through and won't stop? That's how God talks to me. And this is what He said,


    "Claire, You and I both know that I can't grow you here."


Now, side note, please understand that Auburn is not like a hell hole. I'm not saying that if you want to or attend Auburn, you have refused to listen to the Lord or done something immoral. But God and I both knew that where I was as a person during my high school years would not be a glorious fit at a state school, even my beloved Auburn. So I decided I would listen.


On the long drive back, I questioned everything. I was confused, scared. I asked, "But where now?" I hadn't even applied to any other colleges because I was so set on Auburn. I was so excited about their interior design program because it is so well recognized. Where will I go with a great, credible program? Then, He spoke again: ”Samford." "Samford." "Samford."


Samford??!? Doesn't it cost like a million dollars to go there? No, that's so close to home! Do they even have an interior design program, because I definitely was only thinking of The Cheesecake Factory on the one Samford tour I even went on.


Again, He spoke: ”Stop asking why. Say yes."


So I did. For the first time in my life, I stopped asking why. I stopped asking why, like when I asked God why Abbie was diagnosed with Autism over and over again, or when my dad wouldn't come home from work and traveling and I asked God why I wasn't loved. The truth is, ”Why?" is selfish. "Why?" is about me. "Why" does not trust the Father. It questions His sovereignty and His provision. So for the first time in my life, I said yes.


I handed God the pen instead of trying desperately to write my own life and make it perfect. And here's what happened:


I was awarded the Presidential Scholarship to attend Samford, so it did indeed not cost a million dollars to attend. I found roommates and friends who boost me and my spirit. I found an Interior Design program that finds my gifts and is rewarding my future already. I've lived 200% in three new countries instead of the one I was planning to hopefully study in at Auburn. I find myself in a place where I know God is holding my pen. I found a place that God wrote, not me.


As I was walking through New York City today, underneath all of the twinkly lights that make a person feel as though you can do anything and go anywhere, God whispered something small to me-- "Claire, remember where you were three years ago? Look at all I've done since then. Look at where you are." And I realize that He was right. It’s been three years since, for the first time, instead of asking why, I said yes, and it has changed every aspect of my life. If you're at a crossroads and you're scared, and your pen is out of ink because of how many revisions and changes you've made to the plan that is your life because it has yet to please you, hand it over to the One who wrote how the stars burn and how the moon shines. He's been waiting.


Infinite X's and O's,

Claire